


Miranda's Intimate Apparel & Supplies

by LaDragonaria



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Hijinks & Shenanigans, Implied Relationships, Kink Meme, M/M, No Sex, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-12
Updated: 2012-12-12
Packaged: 2017-11-20 22:56:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/590573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaDragonaria/pseuds/LaDragonaria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My first ever addition to the Kink Meme set in an "After the Reapers" scenario where Miranda buys some prime real estate on the Citadel that specializes in stuff for sexy times. And Commander Shepard is a troll.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was back when I mistakenly believed I could write for Miranda. 
> 
> And it takes place after Shepard has defeated the Reapers aka the evil toasters from space. If you know what movie I'm alluding to, give yourself a pat on the back.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Kaidan's voice rumbled slightly with trepidation. 

Sure. He'd been in those kinds of shops before. But it was usually for a gag gift. Actually the last time he'd been in a shop was when James had convinced them to chip in and buy something goofy for Steve Cortez. Admittedly, seeing his face upon opening a giant box with the largest dildo they could find and the nonchalant "I've had bigger" meant to turn the tables on the jokers, was worth it. It was also doubly worth it when EDI interpreted buying large phallic objects as a thing people did to celebrate birthdays and Joker was... certainly surprised by that.

But this was different.

"Of course. You scared?"

"Of Miranda? Yes."

"Relax. If you're a good boy I might buy you something."

"That's the other thing that scares me."

The thing that scared him most of all was that he knew the one that gave Shepard the information on Miranda's new job was Jack. Of course, Jack had been laughing while she said it like a hyena. After the battle with the Reapers, Jack was back teaching though she and her students were put on cleanup duty for the time being. It actually went surprisingly quickly with the Citadel being close to Earth and all of the refugees were eager to help with their staggering number of workers.

As they walked along the Citadel, people were still in such a happy mood. Luckily, the time of parades and award ceremonies were over. Kaidan received almost as many awards as Shepard did, likely due to being another Spectre on board. The galaxy was a lively place with marriages, births and sex all booming. Sex always sold.

No one even looked twice at them as they found the shop they were looking for. Shepard nearly took a picture as they saw the sign: Miranda's Intimate Apparel & Supplies.

"Hello and welcome to..." Miranda saw her two newest customers enter. "...Damn."

After saving her sister, Miranda saw which way the wind was blowing. Sex and weapons always sold during war. And sex still sold after wars. It took Udina's betrayal on the Citadel to lower the prices enough but a hanar was more than happy to sell his store to the ex-Cerberus officer. Still, it took more money to outfit the store and change the name of the sign than she'd anticipated.

She'd have to stay on the Citadel working in her shop until she could get funds to do something else... though she wasn't sure what else she would be doing. 

"Hello, Miranda. How's your sister?"

"Shepard. She's fine. And this is..."

"Kaidan Alenko. Boyfriend. Lover. Second human Spectre... etc."

"Right. I remember you from Horizon. And then again on Sanctuary... which was still Horizon."

"Nice to see you again." Kaidan offered sheepishly.

"You're not here to recruit me for another suicide mission are you?"

"Nah. I think Shepard and I are done fighting evil toasters from space for a while."

"Kaidan and I were looking for something to... spice it up. And Jack told us your place was the best on the Citadel."

"...Of course she did. Feel free to look... around. And if you have any questions feel free to... ask me."

Miranda did her best not to twitch, her tone switching from the normal cool and somewhat disinterested tone of a capable fighter to a forced and fake tone that a saleswoman trying to make a sale. It actually sounded a bit like the asari from Illium.

Kaidan was very much aware that right now they were on a suicide mission and Miranda was much scarier than any Reaper.


	2. Chapter 2

As the store clerk and the only worker on duty, since hiring people cost money she didn't really have at the moment (not counting a VI and a few mechs to keep shoplifting from happening), Miranda was forced to follow her two prospective customers around.

For Kaidan, it was mostly curiosity and a small amount of arousal. For Shepard... he was a bit more enthusiastic. But Miranda refused to give him the satisfaction if she could help it.

"...So... what's this?"

Kaidan asked looking at a box with a strange picture on it. It looked like a woman wearing metallic underwear. It actually reminded him of the Alliance armor slightly. 

Miranda let out an imperceptible smirk. An idea was forming.

"That is a chastity device. It keeps you from... touching the naughty bits. Without permission from the key holder."

Kaidan nearly dropped box out of embarrassment and Shepard let out a heavy laugh.

"I think we should get it, Kaidan. I'll give you some... obedience training." There was a slight wink.

"Sh-Shepard..." Kaidan was turning bright red.

"Well, that's the wrong device. It's built for women." Miranda turned towards another box, smaller and less frightening somehow. "This one is for men."

"So how does it work?" Shepard was trying to be cute again. 

"Open it up. I'll explain..." Miranda swallowed her irritation.

Shepard opened the box and Kaidan tried to recover his composure... finding it somehow difficult standing between rows of magazines with naked women and large dildos in a rainbow of colors. There really was no safe place to look.

"First, the recipient-"

"That's you, Kaidan." Shepard smirked.

"...The recipient should be... flaccid."

"That's going to be difficult for Kaidan. He's always hard around me."

"Shepard." 

"...The ring goes around the sac and holds the device in place. The tube goes over the shaft. And finally the ring locks into the shaft and you can lock it in place. It's waterproof too so you can wear it in the shower or wash it."

"James'll have a field day seeing you wearing that in the showers."

"I use your shower, Commander." There was embarrassment and indignation in his tone.

"Not unless I allow it. I am the key holder."

"That's not very paragon of you, John."

"I saved the Citadel. Twice. And the Earth. And a bunch of different worlds. I deserve the chance to be bad."

"...Anything else you'd... like?" Miranda was getting uncomfortable rather quickly.

"How about a collar?" 

"...What color?"

"I think black works. Or maybe brown to match his eyes."

"Leather or metal."

"...Leather. Right, Kaidan?"

"You're forgetting the chastity thing works on other men, Commander." A sharp quip.

Miranda came back with a collar that was adjustable enough so that she didn't have to go through the indignity of putting it on anyone.

"What flavor lubes do you have?"

Christ the man was trying to kill her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miranda is thinking that using a biotic Slam on Commander Shepard is probably poor clerk etiquette. Also the supply of blow-up dolls would cushion the impact.

"...I assume you want human flavors. We have chocolate, coffee, vanilla, cherry, strawberry, lime, pineapple..." It would forever be embedded in her mind that she knew the list of lube flavors off the top of her head. "And beer, I think."

"Do you have Canadian lager? So I can taste Canadian while I'm tasting a Canadian?"

Miranda's face went blank but it did elicit a loud laugh from Kaidan.

"...I'll see what I can do."

"Good. I'll take 4 bottles. We have a lot of free time lately."

"I'm sure."

"Anything you want, Kaidan?"

"...I'm just looking."

"Well, tell the clerk what's interesting you?"

Rather than waiting for Kaidan to look away and ignore him, Shepard was determined to carry on for a bit longer. He came over, aggressively putting his arm around Kaidan's shoulder to keep him from moving as he looked at the shelf.

"What's this? 'Fun With Rope: A Beginner's Guide to Expert Fantasy' ...Says it comes with its own rope and a thousand different techniques. I think we'll take it. Or were you looking at the dildos? You want a waterproof one that vibrates?"

"Shepard, you're not being cute anymore." Kaidan's tone wasn't anger but an amused feistiness.

"Miranda we're going to need something bigger than these. I'm afraid Major Alenko's used to a certain size and I don't see it here."

"...Commander, I've seen you naked before while you were being rebuilt. I assure you, your size is right there."

Kaidan let out a loud laugh again. Shepard turned an amused but bullying look to the Major. 

"I think we'll also get some nipple clamps. And maybe a paddle. I'm not nearly strict enough with the Major."

"...Anything else?" Miranda was getting weary from the encounter.

"I don't think so. Unless you've got edible underwear around. I always get hungry and horny after a mission."

"...I'll see what I can do."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Revenge.

By now, Shepard had decided the joke had run its course. Kaidan was just happy to be getting out of there before Miranda blew a gasket and tried to crush Shepard's skull with her biotics. 

He was just glad that they had only toured two aisles and left the other aisles alone since they were dedicated to other species. If he had to see hanar sex toys it would be bad but if he saw quarian nerve stimulation programs, he would never be able to look Tali in the... helmet... again. A small part of him was actually feeling excited and perhaps even aroused though he knew Shepard would likely try to pull rank on him in terms of testing out the toys... at least that's how it usually happened in the bedroom.

Miranda began ringing up the items one after another, trying her best to keep her face as emotionless as possible. Shepard didn't help as he grabbed small items from here and there and put them in the basket. Things like condoms, different flavored travel-sized lube, lotion and a few items he didn't understand just to annoy Miranda and cause a look of confusion on the face of Kaidan was enough.

"So what do I owe you, Ms. Lawson?"

"Your total comes to 320,127 credits. Plus another 200 credits for delivery to your ship. Unless you'd like to walk around the Presidium Ring with edible underwear."

"That's... a lot of credits, Shepard."

"Do you think you could work in a discount or something...?"

"I've already put in your 'Saved the Citadel' discount and both of your Spectre discounts."

"Can I put some of these back then?"

"I'm afraid not. You opened the boxes of most of them or touched them. It's against store policy to take back opened or tampered items. But nice choice on the micro-vibrators. Just a small tab and mass effect fields pulse against the skin. Very nice. Very expensive. But very nice. And you bought... seven packs."

"...Shepard." Kaidan gave Shepard a small jab and a whisper. They didn't have that kind of money. At least not with them at that moment.

"If payment is a problem, I'm sure I can work something out for you." 

Miranda smirked somewhat. Letting Shepard run wild and open everything was worth it now. Too bad she never let Shepard see it coming. It was his own fault for not reading the signs though.

"...What is it you're proposing..."

"Well, my shop is still fairly new. So with the right... endorsements, I can make a lot of money. In exchange, I'll knock off 250,000 credits. The rest you can wire to me when you're back on the ship."

"Can't I just wire all of the money to you back on the ship?"

"No."

"...And why's that?"

"Store owner's policy."

"Uh huh."

"Do we have a deal?"

"You know I could just leave and say it was Spectre business right?"

"You could try but I doubt the Council will think purchasing sex toys will count as Spectre business. And by then my interest rates will have tripled your debt."

"...That's not very paragon of you, Miranda."

"According to Cerberus, I'm a renegade."

"...What is it you want me to do?"

"Model."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry if you're actually reading this. Truly.

Miranda led them into the back of the store, after having the mechs and the VI close up shop for now. She would reopen once the Spectres had left since she was the only worker there that was human.

Shepard had to admit: he was expecting outfits more along the lines of what Miranda normally wore. Actually, getting one for Kaidan wasn't a bad idea. They both had very fine... assets. His real worry was if Liara somehow stumbled upon the photos in her Shadow Broker files someday and recognized him.

"So what do I do?"

"You get into the changing room, take off your clothes. And you put on whatever outfits I give you. Then you come out, the cameras take a 360 photo of you for extranet intuitive browsing. And once that's done, I just want to hear you say that this is your favorite store on the Citadel. For old times' sake."

"And how many of these do I have to wear?"

"Only twelve. I'll even let Major Alenko choose what you wear."

"Me?"

"Of course. What do you think John would look best in?"

Shepard now realized that his fate was in Kaidan's hands. Which could prove disastrous. 

Shepard waited in the changing room as he heard Kaidan and Miranda talking and occasionally laughing.

He was beginning to understand why it was called Intimate Apparel.

The first outfit that came was a pinstripe suit with pants that could be torn away. Apparently it was an asari thing. 

The machine that took his picture swiveled around slowly capturing his body at every angle.

The next was considerably more... krogan. Very little covered his legs or tender regions but he looked slightly like a tank on top. He later found out it was for Krogan women from Kaidan which caused more laughter.

The outfits that came were more and more ridiculous or revealing.

Lacy things, strappy things, panties for human men (and female turian) and things that showed off the muscular physique hardened by years of service.

Miranda assured him that his body above the neck would be removed from the pictures for privacy purposes but it still didn't make him feel any better as he stood there wearing the oddest outfit yet.

A pair of black stretchy bikini-like briefs with odd openings at the hips and he had to come out and be helped by Kaidan to put on the rest of it. Black tight straps that crossed over his chest in an X, looped into the slots of his hips and then finally were buckled and held in place by a large metallic ring on the back. 

"How do you feel?" Kaidan asked, doing his best not to stare but failing. It certainly was flattering. And tight.

"...I'm a walking wedgie, Kaidan."

"...I know. It's kind of sexy don't you think?" Kaidan smirked lightly.

"In the way that suspenders being attached to briefs is sexy."

"I don't know. It makes you seem... dynamic. And sexy."

After the final picture was taken, Shepard reluctantly did the recording for Miranda of his voice before going to the changing room.

"Don't worry, Shepard. No one will even know it's you. And even if they do, it's an extranet catalogue. They'll have to admit that they were looking up intimate apparel on the extranet."

"That somehow doesn't make me feel any better."

"You can have one of the outfits for free if you like. My treat."

"Well good thing because I can't get this strap undone... Kaidan would you?"

"Nah. I think you're just going to have to wear it back to the ship, Commander."

"...Kaidan."

"I love you, Sir."

"..."

"Just get dressed. No one will even be able to tell what you're wearing under your clothes."

"Miranda, did you talk my boyfriend into this? ...Miranda are you listening to me?"

A small smirk emerged on her lips. Revenge was kind of nice.

"...There's a lot to do, Shepard. Maybe another time."


End file.
